Radio Rabies

Once upon a time I used to really llike the Jeremy Kyle Show. Especially when he would go around telling these so-called people that they are scum sucking state scroungers who have more kids than sense. It was awesome. Not a lot has changed since I watched it a few years ago and that’s the problem.

There’s only so many times you can react joyously to Jeremy Kyle telling someone to “get a job”. After a while every episode merges into one what with lie detector tests that come up as wrong according to the guests, illegitimate children, stupid fat bints looking for their fathers to then turn around and hate them . That’s not even mentioning that most of the time the guests are all incomprehendable so you need to watch it with subtitles only to discover the subtitles have been replaced by a suicide note by the person who had to transcribe this rubbish.

If you have a thirst for animated fictional bands, get ready for your thirst to be quenched because the Gorillaz has finally released their third album and it’s called “Plastic Beach” and if I had to describe it in one word, I’d probably go for “first-class”.

If you enjoyed their “Demon Days” album you will not be disappointed. This album as far as I can tell right now is a lot less conceptual and more like their first album, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that this album is a breath of fresh air in these days of quite shockingly appalling music that is being spewed out of radios around the world.

The Gorillaz has evolved over the years from a strange cult status band into a mainstream phenomena that has musicians clawing each other’s eyes out to work with them. I don’t know what it is about Damon Albarn but whatever he touches turns into gold. That album he did called “Monkey: Journey To The West” blew my mind with it’s damn awesomeness.

As far as the tracks go there are a load of great guests on them. We’ve got Snoop Dogg, Mos Def, Lou Reed and some Swedish / Japanese band called “Little Dragon” who I haven’t heard of previously but I’ve got a feeling they’re worth a bit of a listen.

If you’ve not bought it or heard it yet, I suggest you do so or you’ll be mocked by your friends and colleagues for being so 2009! (Which will only be a good thing in 20 or so years time)

Simon is the new roving reporter for Radio Rabies. For his first assignment he was sent into town to watch the new Tim Burton film “Alice in Wonderland” and review it. Here is what he had to say about it. How many other websites can offer you a talking zebra reviewing stuff?

It is sad when anybody dies but a death from someone in the public eye always captures the public’s interest. But when everyone finds out that the person died strangling themselves whilst masturbating it changes everyone’s perspective.

It’s not a glamorous way to die and speaks volumes about your private life and sadly it have been discovered that that is how the TV presenter of “To Buy Or Not To Buy” Kristian Digby is thought to have died in his flat recently.

The old “asphyxi wank” is a really bad idea, especially if you’re a celebrity. It’s a bad idea any time. There is no safe way of performing it short of having someone there with you which defeats the object of onanism if there is someone else there to give you a hand as it were.

First Michael Hutchence from the band INXS, then legendary movie actor David Carradine then possibly BBC daytime TV presenter Kristian Digby. Who’s going to be next? My money is on a ex-contestant from The Apprentice”

The charity single that was helping raise money for the Haiti earthquake has started to wane off and we can all thank Jason Derulo with his song “In My Head” for that.

Is it because people have just stopped caring? It it because Chile has stolen Haiti’s thunder? Or it is because the charts don’t actually matter and everybody under the sun has already bought a copy of the Haiti single already? Who knows…

All the blame should be laid on Jason Derulo for his catchy single. The swine!

Exclusive! Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole are to apparently going to divorce. How do I know this top secret information? A little birdie told me. I’ll tell you, but keep it under your hat.

Anyway, I heard that her husband Ashley Cole (a footballer) has cheated on her a few times and he always gets forgiveness by buying her rings and stuff. I guess there wasn’t a ring big enough to forgive him this time.

As I was saying, he’s cheated on her and now they’re going to divorce. In my opinion, it’s been a long time coming. She must have really loved him (and his money?) to have put up with his cheating ways for so long.

Let’s just hope the media won’t get wind of this other wise it’ll be everywhere and there will be so much publicity about it’ll be just like when Princess Diana died.

It’s that time of year again where award ceremonies are more widespread than a sexually transmitted disease, and for me just as enjoyable.

What better way to deal with an already egocentric community of people than to lay on a lavish night where they get to suck each other off for doing stuff that only few really passionately care about.

And then there is the spin of shit as well, the media frenzy that will follow what people were WEARING to the awards… “Oh look what such and such is wearing to the Oscars, she looks like a half cooked jacket potato”. This one night is going to be a shadow on the lung of many media outlets.

Roll on the Oscars, then we can all get back to what we were doing before. Stewing in our own juices because no one will give us any recognition for the stuff we do on a daily basis.

For many years us humans have been fearing something that is simply called the Apocalypse. The end of the world. Everyone and everything all made dead at once. It sure will suck when that happens but there are times when I wish it would get a bloody move on when I’m watching the BBC’s sewer pipe known as BBC Three.

I’ll be honest, deep down I enjoy watching BBC Three but it’s usually to make myself feel a bit better about myself whilst taking in scenes of things that I don’t usually get to see. On other channels this would be endangered species or far off “only just discovered” lands. But on BBC Three this tends to be slappers wearing too much make up or pretentious people trying to forge themselves a career in show business but don’t fancy sucking off a TV executive and would rather resort to making an arse of themselves in front of literally thousands of people.

I was watching a show called “Hotter Than My Daughter”, it’s pretty much a show based around a mother and daughter who the Mum thinks that she is hotter than her daughter. Pretty simple. The twist of the show is that they get the public to vote on who they think should be made under (like their other great flagship show “Snog, Marry or Avoid”) to look less like a middle aged Jordan entering a drag queen contest.

On paper, a show like this sounds entertaining but when it gets down to it, it’s quite a scary prospect that people actually felt the need to apply and audition for a show where you more or less have to claim that your daughter is an ugly duckling or that you’re super hot and not at all over the hill, even though the public will inevitably tell you otherwise.

What is the most scary thing about this show is that there were people who didn’t make it onto the show. I didn’t know that people happily think that they are hotter than their daughter and are more than happy to tell them. A few years ago we laughed at mothers trying to be younger and more atractive than their daughters in a show called “Absolutely Fabulous but now it is OK to actually think and act like it.

There is part of me feels bad for making fun of these poor people but fuck them. They put themselves out there on TV in a light that could only be described as an orange coloured spotlight emanating from a lamp on top of a hill made from disgust and disappointment.

It could be worse though, they could be on ITV2

I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this blog post but I really think it should be said.

There are a lot of musicians who are “rallying around” to try and help the people of Haiti after the recent earthquakes. Lots of people are donating money (which you can do so here) and other people are donating time to help fundraise even more money.

But I have been reading how Simon Cowell wants to record a song for Haiti as well as Jay-Z and U2. It will help raise a load of money but I think that maybe instead of doing something that will be a lot of press coverage for them on how good these people are, maybe they should just donate a few million pounds of their own money as well.

They’re going to record a song, they’re going to pat themselves on the back and the song will be used over various montages of slow motion clips from news coverage of the Earthquake.

How long will it be before Chris Martin is all over this too?

Every now and again Kylie Minogue falls off everyone’s radar and she has to say or do something to get back there.

There was the infamous golden hot pants that showed of her newly “surgically treated” arse, the horrible breast cancer that she soon recovered from and now she is claiming to be bi-curious.

In a recent interview she said “I have been attracted to some women. I am a sexual exhibitionist and part of me is a natural flirt, but although I am attracted to women, I have never done anything with them.”

Wow! A shocker. I will certainly be buying her next single. That really clinched the deal. Seriously, when celebrities say stuff like this they are doing so to be controversial.

I get the irony blogging about this as it does buy into what she is trying to do. Shame on me, but shame on her more!